Losing Mom

It's an overwhelming feeling you get when you lose your mom (9-4-2010). Not to mention me losing my older brother (5-10-2009). I kept hearing the word "bittersweet." "It's bittersweet that we lost mom." Or, "This is a bittersweet situation." What does that really mean? I believe it is the mixture of pain and pleasure. The pain of losing mom, but yet we can find comfort in knowing that she is no longer suffering.

The night she left us, I kept looking into her eyes to give her reassurance that it was okay to go. I called the hospice nurse to make sure we were doing everything we were supposed to, to keep her comfortable. She suggested we leave the room for 1/2 hour. Sometimes people will linger longer and suffer longer, because they don't want to leave you in a state. My brother Patrick, my brother Bobby, my sister-in-law Michele, and I left with the agreement that we would not return for one-half hour. Michele took it upon herself to go in and check on mom after 15 minutes. She walked out into the living room and yelled, "Mary, call the hospice nurse! Call hospice! She's gone!"

I need to blog this because I have been tormented with it since mom's death. My sister-in-law had no right to go in after we all agreed not to for a half hour - and then to come into the living like banshee ordering me to call hospice. What was that about?

Her behavior with mom dying was bizarre: getting into bed with mom and coddling her; deciding it was a good time to wash her hair while I prayed the rosary over her; picking at her ear the night she died, because it was a little dirty. Is it me, or is this truly bizarre behavior?

The night mom died, we don't know why Michele returned to the room after 15 minutes - nor do we know what went on when she entered the room. However, I cannot focus on this events, because I am in mourning and am suffering the loss of my mom. I think the best thing for me to do is remember my mom the way she was: vibrant, lively, happy, and compassionate. That can never be taken from me. Therefore, I will be moving back to Florida from Ohio as soon as possible and start up a new life with my daughter. Mom definitely would have wanted me to remove myself from negative influences and start anew.

So, I suppose, that "bittersweet" is an appropriate word.